Monday, January 29, 2007

Thank you, really...

[before you guys go bitching, yes I took this from my myspace blog]

Yes...(thank) you for teaching me to look to my inner self for strength, even when I felt like I had none- to not let people's judgement's get to the best of me- take everyone else's negativity and my own and make it into something productive- these are gifts I would would've not received/learned/what have you if you did not have to drill it in my head...and for that, I thank you.I always enjoyed your company, even if on the phone- whether or not you believe was a thing of beauty really, insisting to sleep on the phone, haha, while you hummed yourself to sleep.At those times I was bogged down, and you brought and picked me up with your silly antics...and for that, I thank you again.I could go on for a bit just thanking you for the little things I observed...
But things are different now...I hear the frustration in your voice, and now things I say are stupid. I feel like I'm the one chasing you for a call, and when you do manage to call, it is 3 am, and you knock out immediately, while I talk to you about something... I'd rather not be called than talking to not be listened to. From the past, I learned to be tuned into language and body gestures...and since distance seems to be a problem, you'd think I wouldn't be able to tell that you lost interest?A while back, you said you weren't like "most guys"..and I thank you for teaching me that that is wrong. You can't just say something and expect me to believe you, for every "other" guy who's said so brought only disappointment.

This is when I truly believe that actions speak louder than any words...

Thank you for reminding me that I do not need to be in a relationship at this time. I have too many roles to be occupied with, and I just need time to finish until I move on. In my opinion, you are not ready either. I wouldn't dare say anything here, but I can always explain later.

So why myspace?Did you honestly think I'd want to do it here? No, of course not.However, I need to get this off my chest, so you may see it-- I can't stand you yelling at me whenever I feel the need to voice my opinions. You've shut me out far too many times, and I force myself to just act like nothing happened- but it's only a matter of time that little hassles amount to a big problem, and sadly it's come. This is not right-- when I feel fearful of telling you anything? This roulette-o-fear is a terror because anything I say could be a bullet that triggers your temper...this is not healthy- for you nor myself.
I've been honest to you, but when I tell you things and you insult me back with jealousy rages and hurtful words? That's like you spitting in my face, and I will not stand that kind of treatment. You said that you were joking, but what if I had pulled a similar "joke" on you? Pfsh, that would've been the end. I've dealt with this problem far too many times to take it any longer.
I'm not just blaming you- is also my fault- I've done/said some stupid things, if I point the finger solely at you is just foolish...
After you abruptly hung up on me because you got angry for lulling myself to sleep, that was the moment I felt like I needed to take action. You said you'd tell me if you didn't want to talk to me- everything you do points in that direction, but you don't say a here I am....and no, this is not for the whole world to if you have anything to say in regards to this...You know what to do.
I won't just shut you out, nor will I totally blow off everything you say-
I wish you the very best of luck in everything you do.

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